meet the members of our cast

Delilah Snart received critical acclaim for her one-woman show, That Angelina Jolie Best Git Her Meat-Hooks Offa My Man, and has recently been offered a lucrative contract for a thirteen-part US-based reality “how-to” series based on her NY Times best-selling book, Celebrity Stalking for Dummies.

Wexley Flaptrap is actually two very small, identical actors stacked up on top of one another. Each of them is in turn played by two very small, identical actors stacked up on top of one another, and so on and so on. The smallest ones spend their days trying to have intelligent conversations with bacteria and wondering where they went wrong, career-wise.

Jane Beef is not available right now, but your perusal of her bio is important to her. Please be patient and have credit card details handy. You can’t return to the main menu because there isn’t one, but for more options, take a good hard look at your life—what are you missing? If there’s nothing else, Jane thanks you and hopes you’ll come back to read her bio again soon.

Gilbert Foofle is willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause, provided he has the proper footwear. In fact, he’s willing to march just about anywhere for just about anything, because he loves marching so gosh-darn much, though ironically he refuses to do it in March.

Indira Hoboken contains mild violence and one use of bad language. She is biodegradable, but should be kept out of the reach of small children and open flames. She should always be taken with food and is bottled at the source. If your symptoms do not go away within three days of meeting Indira, you should consult your physician. She may also contain nuts.

Seamus Femulox is currently experiencing extreme creative frustration because he has a fantastic, sure-fire idea for a megamillion-dollar blockbuster sequel to a motion picture. Unfortunately, he can’t come up with an idea for the original motion picture. He spends his time kicking his invisible pet dog, Anvil, and using his invisible pet anvil, Dog, to make shoes for his invisible pet horse, Imelda.

Clarice Coccycks was forced to leave her teaching position for stealing Cs from her students to use in her own name. Her former boss, Harlie Onnors, first became suspicious when the middle of the school’s grading curve disappeared. She successfully smuggled her ill-gotten Cs out of the country by tattooing them to a friend’s back and flying her to the Cayman Islands. Clarice thus avoided criminal prosecution and received a snow globe with a tiny plastic palm tree inside.

Fontina Sebastionicus has a recurring nightmare in which she drives the little car along the Monopoly board, shrinking on each railroad. When she's small enough to enter the house someone's built on Mayfair, she finds all of her family members, dressed as elk, celebrating Thanksgiving. She asks her father (played by Martin Landau) the time; he looks at his watch (really a map of Europe with Italy and Norway as the hands), and says, "It's half-past the atonement." Then she wakes up craving a turkey sandwich.

Chris McColl is actually a Njörkvar® (IKEA UK Winter 2003 catalogue, p. 77. £159) and was assembled with only an Allen wrench. He came with several extraneous parts, including nine metal pegs, his appendix, wall mounts, an ability to play tournament-class cribbage and three birthdays. He looks best with a Sloög® coffee table (p. 85, £57) and Dgånsk® reading lamp (p. 93, £25).

Mordecai Buttonhole is still looking for his misspent youth. He's sure he had it this morning when he picked up his keys in the front hall. It's not in the sofa cushions or the fridge, though he found his reading glasses there. If you find it, he'd love to get it back, though he’d like you to have it dry-cleaned first. He promises to spend it more wisely next time—perhaps on a model airplane or some peanut brittle.

Steves Hinky and Ladyman are the fun-loving creators of Steve!™, the wacky game that’s a Stevey good time for the whole family! Take your Steve™ through the Stevey lanes of Steveland™—but look out for the wicked Anti-Steves™! And don’t step in a Steveless Space™, or you’ll have to draw a Steve Card™! Buy Steve!™ today, and make someone you know happy on Christmas — or even on Christmas Steve™!

As Gretchen Glickner experiences time backwards, her life up to this point has happened in our future. So she’d like to use this space to issue some warnings. If a man named Fadwallader asks to shampoo your carpets, under no circumstances say yes (although he should clean your gutters). Also, that thing about only eating mussels when there’s an R in the month has never been more true than in 2016. Finally, global warming turns out to be a prank cooked up by some kids in Ohio, so don’t lose any sleep over it.

Leroy Woo has nearly finished the giant atomic-power laser with which he plans to threaten the polar ice caps and thus take the world hostage. He knows that Mr Bond has arrived at his island fortress to stop him, but he has dispatched his comely (if morally flexible) female associate, Miss Innuendo, to capture him. Later, over snifters of Napoleon brandy and a game of baccarat, Leroy will tell Mr Bond his plan for world conquest. Then Bond will die a slow death as Leroy laughs evilly.