delusional notebook 1

Horror movie idea: Ice Creamatorium. What if Ben and Jerry were big Sweeney Todd fans...


Idea for biopic: the tragic story of Mary-and-Ashley Kate, Siamese twins joined at the middle name. Their desperate existence became a worldwide cause, with even F Murray Abraham stepping up to donate his first name. Unfortunately, it turned out his first name was Finortnort, and the twins' bodies rejected the transplant. Continued concern led Madonna, Beck, Bono and other one-named celebrities to organize "Mono-Name-o-Mania," a benefit concert and fund- and awareness-raiser. This ultimately caused the break-up of U2, because Bono and The Edge had a huge fight over whether or not "the" should be counted as a word. Bono called The Edge a "clinging, attention-craving poser who understands the suffering of mononamia about as much as those people who drive their disable uncles' cars because they've got disabled stickers on them and can park better." The media just ate up the squabble, and the girls were forgotten in the frenzy. They now spend their days haunting second-hand clothing stores looking for sweaters with unusual monograms.


Write note to Lucasfilm: Ribo Flavin should be introduced as a character in the next Star Wars film. He'd probably be a bounty hunter, like Boba Fett.


Idea for documentary on pharmaceutical industry: Viagra-vation.


Finally write the story of that time you went to that concert in Wales, leapt onstage and stole the space out of the Lostprophets' name. Talk with remarkable candor of your confused pride and shame all the years you kept it on your dresser in that ugly ceramic box with the butterfly on it. Lay bare for readers your fear of showing the space to anyone, your certainty that even your closest friends wouldn't believe you, since it's a space and it's invisible. Describe your painful comeuppance when you tried to sell it on eBay only to find hundreds of other people already there trying to sell counterfeit Lostprophets spaces. Expose how this led you to join the police force's Counterfeit Name Space division where you successfully infiltrated and ultimately dismantled a world-wide bootleg space organization that made millions selling copies of the spaces taken out of the GlaxoSmithKline company.


Write joke for the punchline "Two aardvarks and an icepick!"


Corporate whistleblower film idea: Narvin Gone, Vice President for Hiding Things from the Government at the Fortune 100 company SoullessGreedBags (SGB), accidentally uncovers evidence of something wrong in the corporation. Due to the company's convoluted bureaucracy, their incomprehensible paper trails devoid of any oversight, and some lax government regulations, Gone discovers that in their last corporate takeover, SGB purchased itself. Before long, he realizes that this may not have been a mistake - someone way way high up planned this and now wants to get Gone. The only person who can save him now is a woman who is way too good looking for him.


Horror film idea: The Asthmatic Undead 1: Vlad the Inhaler.


Write script for thriller about postal serial killer who spindles his victims before mutilating them. Research what spindling is. Consider having victims folded first, then spindled, then mutilated.


Idea for romantic film of manners: the last guy in the world named Emmet meets and falls in love with the last girl in the world named Hortense. But because they are so embarrassed by their first names, they can't stop using their last names, calling each other Mr. Lickipants and Miss Pittstink. Sadly, they thus remain an emotional arm's length from one another at all times and their love goes unrequited. Which is a real shame, since they're both totally hot looking and live in the same nudist colony.