newsletter from the head office

HEADLINESS - the unofficial in-house newsletter of the head office

• HEADLINESS is only available online, and then only if you behave yourself. Submissions should be sent to The Shadow Head marked "You Have Way Too Much Free Time". Unlike the other in-house e-newsletter, if you want to send in stuff, we don't care what font or color you use. Knock yourself out.

HEADLINESS

a newsletter for select staff of the Head Office

1 March 2008
__________________________________________________________________

"WOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!! YEAH, MAN!! BEER IS, LIKE, GOD!!!"
--Benjamin Franklin

quotation
Thanks to Plain Amanda in Accounting for the above inspiring quote. We may have punched it up a bit.

new notices

message from the shadow head
Thank you. At our last full staff meeting, or as I like to call it, The Beginning of the End, our Fearless Leader mentioned two things that I hope we all remember. First, the New Restructuring Plan is currently being road-tested in our division, and the effectiveness and value of the plan will be evaluated at the end of the fiscal year. Second, our Fearless Leader has NO DOUBT that at that time of evaluation we as an office will resoundingly and enthusiastically endorse our New Restructuring Plan as The Best and Only Restructuring Plan for Us.

With this in mind, I have been asked to remind you that March is already upon us. By now you should all be quivering with the ecstasy produced by life within the New Restructuring Plan. If you are not, you'd damn well better start quivering now, or you're in it deep, okay? You have all been assigned to cross-divisional committees which will meet once a week from now until the Time of Evaluation; the entirety of these meetings will be given over to what we are sure will be nothing short of hyperbolic laud for the New Restructuring Plan. Weird Gavin in Tech Support is designing a new database in which all staff will be required to enter daily compliments for the New Restructuring Plan. Some suggestions for entries:

"If you only use one restructuring plan this year, make it The New Restructuring Plan!"

"Because of the New Restructuring Plan, I can enjoy dairy again!"

"The New Restructuring Plan is the feel-good plan of the year!"

"I didn't think it was possible for someone my age to meet someone new. Boy was I wrong. Thanks, New Restructuring Plan!"

"The New Restructuring Plan has helped me to finally consolidate my debt!"

"Nothing ever conceived by Man can compare to the awesome glory and majesty that is the New Restructuring Plan - not democracy, not fire, not calculus. All Man's achievements from here to the dusk of time will be crushing disappointments. We have reached the apex of our existence."

Or words to that effect. Please bear in mind that your raises for next year will be offered in direct proportion to your sincerity. I look forward to reading and hearing your critiques of this important new development in the life of our business.

Yours,

The Shadow Head

cool person of the week
This week's Ultra-Cool Person is Hot Debbie in Human Resources. She is that from which all other cool derives. She could give seminars on cool. She has cornered the market on coolosity and coolaciousness, which we realize were not technically words when we started this sentence, but due to the Universe's awareness of the need for newer and better words to more effectively encapsulate the coolarianism of Hot Debbie, all of the formerly made-up words we've written have now popped into existence in the Oxford English Dictionary. So that's a big up to the Universe for finally getting around to recognizing what the rest of us have known forever.

More cool people later.

bored of directors?
So are we.

seriously--true story
So we're getting ready to leave the house the other day, and we start talking to our daughters about things. The girls could not be less interested, as they're engrossed in some complicated fantasy about a grand ball for princesses and fairy godmothers getting their dresses ready and the dances they'll have to do and what-not. So we're doling out instructions like, "Listen to your mother," and "Try to pick up all the toys you're leaving all over the place," and "Never agree to the first bid you're given--a punter's always willing to bargain at least a little," and so on, and the girls are working out dance moves or something. So we say to them, "You know, you could at least PRETEND to be listening to us."

And our older daughter gets all indignant and comes back with, "But we were pretending to listen."

this has nothing to do with anything
Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking, and when she passes, each one she passes goes, "Ah." When she walks, she’s like a samba that swings so cool and sways so gentle that when she passes, each one she passes goes, "Ooh." Oh, but we watch her so sadly. How can we tell her we love her? Yes we would give our heart gladly, but each day, when she walks to the sea, she looks straight ahead, not at us.

Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking, and when she passes, we smile - but she doesn’t see.

question for ya
How come you can get salmonella from eating bad chicken, but you can't get chickenella from eating bad salmon?

very imaginary person consulting visit
On Tuesday, 19 March, from 8.00 - 11.00 am, the Head Office will be visited by General Robert Tuttle (Ret’d.), now senior consultant at Load of Crap Consulting, in order for him to offer tips on the implementation of the New Restructuring Plan. Some of you may remember Tuttle as the imaginary soldier that Trapper and Hawkeye made up in order to play with Frank and Margaret's heads in that episode of M*A*S*H in the first or second season. Since then, Tuttle has had roles as Vera, Norm's imaginary wife on Cheers, and as Niles' imaginary wife Maris on Frasier.

It is highly recommended that you find an opportunity to actually meet General Tuttle, as for some mysterious reason doing so makes it easier to forget him later on.

upcoming staff appreciation party
Several staff members have expressed concern at the previous bulletin’s announcement of our Staff Appreciation Party next Friday at 2:00 and have suggested that the bold face sentence at the end, "Employees may leave at 4.00 pm," cast a slightly draconian shadow over the event. Some say that this has given the party an "obligatory" feel which could make the event feel less "light" somehow, less "fun." The boldface remark seems to have had a certain "or else" tone of which we were unaware.

We would like to assure everyone that though you absolutely and without exception must attend the party in its entirety from the first cheesing of the crackers at 2:00 to the final meaningless, empty wish for everyone to have an enjoyable weekend, the party is not--we repeat NOT--obligatory. There has been a grave misunderstanding. Having said this, while none of you are obliged to attend the party, all of you are obliged to want to attend the party. Various senior administrators will be circulating throughout the event. Any body language, sarcasm, off-hand remark or latent thought detected behind one's eyes will be grounds for immediate professional humiliation.

One final point. It has been observed that this is meant to be a "thank you" event, and that if we powers-that-be really wanted to say thank you, we could have let all of you just go home at 2:00. Well, geniuses, if you all go home at 2:00, how exactly are we going to be able to say thank you to you all? So thank you, you ungrateful motherthankers.

professional development
Effective immediately, professional development will be referred to as "Professional Regression," in order to more directly enable us to nurture the tendencies we have caused to gurgle up from the Office's very esophagus. All professional development funds for staff will be transferred over to corresponding Professional Regression funds; staffers wishing to secure money in order to do something unprofessional will find the appropriate forms in the Conferences folder on the network.

repeat notices
numerology division
just how healthy are you?
Can you answer the following questions?

• Does your blood pressure have three 6's in it?
• Is your body fat percentage a multiple of 7?
• Do you find yourself drawn to food in pentagonal containers?
• Is it all you can do to muster up the energy to click your mouse in order to scroll down through this email?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, help is at hand. The Numerology Division offers FREE Death Checks to all staff members. We'll take all the numbers the medical staff gave you in your WellPerson Check and plug them into our astrological charts to tell you to within twenty years, exactly when and how you're going to die. You'd be surprised how well this will enable you to plan for the future. If you're in need of a second opinion, one of our phrenologists would be happy to read the bumps on your head.

renewal of staff contracts
Because many other international headhunters begin recruiting in the summer or early fall, there is a significant advantage for We Administrators to know how many of staffers will be killed by paid assassins this year. If there is a staff member on whom you would like to take out a contract, please let us know as soon as possible in order that we might dispatch one of our boys to whack him or her.

still bored of directors?
Right back atcha, baby.

fearless leader’s monthly staff meeting address
Tuesday, 30 March 2008
In a departure from tradition, our Fearless Leader this year will be performing his one-man version of two sell-out Broadway shows, "The Reduced Mamma Mia." Thrill to his dulcet renderings of "Money," "Gimme," and "Just Knowing Me, Not You."

Plans for next year's "The Reduced Cirque du Soleil" are already underway.

security reminder
We understand that many of you are disgruntled with the necessity of having to show your IDs every time you come or go from the building. Please understand that this is critical to company security. We have been informed by unreliable know-nothings at the Department of Homeland Security that we are at Tom Clancy Alert Status, which means there is a clear and present danger to us. We have it on good authority that Sean Bean is planning something against us, something spectacular involving CGI programming, even as we type. So guards will continue to search bags of those people who do not have proper ID. If your moaning continues, the friskings begin. If the crap from you people continues even still, we implement the body cavity searches. So watch it.

instructions from the shadow head
Effective immediately, all personnel will be aware that lies are the new truth. Additionally, we have recently outsourced to various consultancies all our boat-rocking, muck-raking, water-muddying, devil's advocating, rabble-rousing, nay-saying, down-putting and head-shaking. You shouldn't need to worry about this stuff. Everything's great.

Have a nice day.

We will have more Headliness another time--not necessarily next week, but when we can get around to it, all right? Sheesh! Enough with the pressure, you people. For crying out loud already--you are aware that we have to write all this ourself, we trust?