untitled julia roberts vehicle

Julia Roberts needs my help, clearly. Let's look at how things are going for the former mega-star:

• her last major box-office hit was Ocean's Eleven, and she didn't even get to be one of the eleven--six years ago.
• Charlie Wilson's War, napped its way through its opening weekend. Also, Julia played a 55-year-old woman.
  
• in Ocean's Twelve, the poor dear's name came seventh in the opening credits. SEVENTH. Even Elliott Gould and Carl Reiner got a "with" and an "and."
• yes, she did win Parade.com's 2008 online poll for the "Best Dressed Oscar winner," but she won it for her look from 2001. To paraphrase Hilary Duff, how very yesterday.
• and okay, fine, she was named America's fourth favorite movie star in Harris' January poll. But John Wayne was sixth, and he's dead. And Sean Connery was seventh, and he's not dead, exacctly, but he's definitely collecting a pension. The point being, Harris isn't doing Julia any favors.
• she's had to resort to doing voiceover work for animated characters in kiddie films: The Ant Bully and Charlotte's Web. God knows there aren't enough movies out there about bugs...
• her slated 2008 releases are Fireflies in the Garden and The Friday Night Knitting Club. Why do I suspect these will not have the impact on our screens of, say, a Gladiator or a Day After Tomorrow? I mean For crying out loud - a KNITTING CLUB MOVIE? And as far as the other one goes, the title comes from a poem by Robert "Upbeat, Feel-Good Movie of the Summer" Frost. Nuff said.
  

Thus it is high time someone put together a vehicle that will enable Julia Roberts to breathe some life into a career that is, frankly, flagging. Hollywood, I am that someone. And I have just the vehicle. Remember this movie?

Mystic Pizza (1988) - Three teenage girls come of age while working in a pizza parlor in Connecticut.

Why doesn't Julia make films like this anymore? The major marketing demographic for movies these days is still males aged 16-35. There's nothing males aged 16-36 like to look at more than teenage girls. And what better fantasy fodder for males aged 16-36 than teenage girls in tight clothes serving up beer and pizza?

Case closed. Obviously, a sequel to Mystic Pizza is in order if we have any hope of saving Ms. Roberts from herself. I therefore entreaty any film company execs and/or green light guys reading this to consider the following pitches:

Alarmistic Pizza - Three teenage girls try to deal with the color-coded, post-9/11 world while working in a pizza parlor in Connecticut.

Animistic Pizza - Three teenage girls convert to Shinto and make pizza in Connecticut.

Bigamistic Pizza - Three teenage girls marry the same man and work in his pizza parlor in Connecticut.

Conformistic Pizza - Three teenage girls make a completely predictable Hollywood sequel about working in a pizza parlor in Connecticut.

Euphemistic Pizza - Three "teenage" girls "work" in a "pizza parlor" in "Connecticut," if you know what I mean...

Extremistic Pizza - Three teenage girls work in a pizza parlor in Connecticut and dream of becoming professional ice-climbers.

Optimistic Pizza - Three teenage girls only send out half-full pizza boxes from their pizza parlor in Connecticut.

Pessimistic Pizza - Three teenage girls bake their heads, Sylvia-Plath-style, in a pizza oven in Connecticut.

and my personal favorite...

Taxidermistic Pizza - Low-budget horror. Three largely unclothed teenage girls. An isolated pizza parlor in the backwoods of Connecticut. Watch them stuff themselves.