10 reasons I'm going straight to Hell when I die

you'll no doubt be pleased to learn that the trees who died making the tree-death (printable) version of this list all went to straight to Hell as well

• mocking the "Taller Women Dating Shorter Men Support Group" website
• contract I signed with Satan
• saying Johnny Cash's performance in last music video must have been posthumous
• always rearranging tchochkies in apartment of OCD friend
• spending time at wife's aunt's funeral making up "The Sphincter Song" in my head
• telling daughters last weekend that if they didn't lay off one another I'd pick up the smaller one by the ankles and whack the bigger one with her
• actually writing down rules for party game called Mean-Spirited Judgment of Others
• I'm just a bad person
• could't resist great deal spiritual travel agent got me on direct SulfurousAir flight**
  
• must do what it says on the Community Chest card I picked last time I played Monopoly

**Offer good only upon demise. Ticket non-refundable, non-transferrable. Not valid with any other offer. Void where prohibited.