Thus it is high time someone put together a vehicle that will enable Julia Roberts to breathe some life into a career that is, frankly, flagging. Hollywood, I am that someone. And I have just the vehicle. Remember this movie?
Mystic Pizza (1988) - Three teenage girls come of age while working in a pizza parlor in
Why doesn't Julia make films like this anymore? The major marketing demographic for movies these days is still males aged 16-35. There's nothing males aged 16-36 like to look at more than teenage girls. And what better fantasy fodder for males aged 16-36 than teenage girls in tight clothes serving up beer and pizza?
Case closed. Obviously, a sequel to Mystic Pizza is in order if we have any hope of saving Ms. Roberts from herself. I therefore entreaty any film company execs and/or green light guys reading this to consider the following pitches:
Alarmistic Pizza - Three teenage girls try to deal with the color-coded, post-9/11 world while working in a pizza parlor in
Animistic Pizza - Three teenage girls convert to Shinto and make pizza in
Bigamistic Pizza - Three teenage girls marry the same man and work in his pizza parlor in
Conformistic Pizza - Three teenage girls make a completely predictable Hollywood sequel about working in a pizza parlor in
Euphemistic Pizza - Three "teenage" girls "work" in a "pizza parlor" in "
Extremistic Pizza - Three teenage girls work in a pizza parlor in
Optimistic Pizza - Three teenage girls only send out half-full pizza boxes from their pizza parlor in
Pessimistic Pizza - Three teenage girls bake their heads, Sylvia-Plath-style, in a pizza oven in
and my personal favorite...
Taxidermistic Pizza - Low-budget horror. Three largely unclothed teenage girls. An isolated pizza parlor in the backwoods of
Meditation is a critical element of Zen Rude-ism. It is just as Pying-Pyong asked his pupils, "Why don't you go someplace perhaps no less than a million miles away and sit in a position that you find uncomfortable for you to be in so you'll stop with the bothering of people all the time and you'll maybe be staying put for a change and doing not a thing for let's say five to seven years or longer it should be too soon?"
Just as Chin, Shin, and the other pupils of the Rude-ist Masters had their wisdom upon which to meditate, so we provide you here with a variety of spiritual conundrums to occupy your thoughts and bring you closer to your own Rude Awakening.
We have found that obsessing about one question each day for a week has made us significantly Ruder. We hope you will find the same. About yourself, that is, not us. We mean, we hope you will find yourself Ruder. Not Ruder than we are, but Ruder than you were before. We don't mind if you're Ruder than we are--it's not like a competition or anything, but that's not what we hope for. Not because we're comparing, but...whatever.
I had a pimple once--At one point, an odd line of thinking struck me:
what if, as a symptom, it filled out, ballooned, snowballed into a kind of volcano?
A real nightmare, clearly. Or not?
I’d be Volcano Man - no, Lavalier Mike, Suburban Superhero.
I said my name out loud, intoning it like a transforming spell
in some dramatic comic book.
When nothing happened, I realized
words do not make reality. A pronoun is not a person.
Saying “volcano” won’t cause a volcano,
even if the word erupts from your mouth
like lava.
A few hours later, I had a minute eruption
when I was stuck, trying to find a solution for a problem with a friend
as we filled out a sheet of transformations for geometry class:
you know, homework.
The pimple hung heavy on my mind, if lightly on my face.
It couldn’t go anywhere - my thoughts raced,
fixed on the swelling,
and transformed me into an idiot.
My friend suddenly exploded, “Ah, that’s it!”
but I heard the same words differently:
“Ugh, that zit!”
and I blew my top,
my thoughts melting into words carried along by my emotions.
I had become the Supermoron, Idio-tick, biting my friend’s head off:
“I used an Oxy-10 solution!” I fumed. “I can’t just erase it, you know!”
Profoundly confounded and openly wounded, my friend closed his book.
“Clearly we’ve shared a misunderstanding,” he said coldly,
then took the coat
and went away just like the pimple wouldn’t.
And a chill shook me
and I understood my mistake
and I thought,
if we both now understand it, was it still a misunderstanding?
Words aren’t lava.
If lava finds you, there is no mistake about it.
It will coat you and fix you
just exactly the same as you are
when you first fall under it, fall victim to the fumes
and the liquid rock whose heat will leave you unchanged and frozen in place -
a lump on the face of the rock
until some future someone surveys the area
looking for the right imperfections that will carry him back in time
and breaks open the lump
and finds you in that same embarrassing position
and says to his equally unknown future friend, just a little ways off,
“Hey, come look at this idiot.”
Later that night, I looked up “lavalier,”
since I didn’t know the word.
Turns out it’s just a certain kind of suspended rock,
that can have special meaning for good friends.
I popped the pimple,
though in the past many have ordered me not to mess with such things
on account of it leaves marks that way--
in fact, I have a friend
different from the friend with whom I worked transformations
(not that it matters to you since you don’t know either of them)
but anyway I have a different friend
and his half-sister popped pimples her whole life
and now her face has been transformed by tiny dents--
the coordinate points of her poor behavior--
like she was hit with very small rocks
or very big words.
As I popped it
and I allowed my foremost thoughts to take me back
to what happened with my friend,
I imagined us as two cartoon heroes in a boxing ring:
General Specific and Private Public,
our words in balloons above our heads,
both hoping a left cross will be the right move.
I saw the lines drawn on paper locked in battle,
and I couldn’t erase them.
And I wondered,
Could a civil war start over something like this?
SUMMARY:[1] The name of this chain of stores is derived from an early draft of the screenplay for the classic 1982 movie Tron.
[2] Irony (ī′ ruh nē, n.) - a literary device which allows posh speakers to be sarcastic without sounding common.
[3] Postmodern self-conscious narration (fan′ shaw, n.) - a literary device in which hack writers plagiarize the ideas of superior writers who have gone before them and attempt to come off as clever and knowing by pointing out that they’re thieving someone else’s work, but really just come across looking shabby and desperate.
Right. I’ve been in the
I have become truly American. I own two cars now. I have gained 140 lbs., largely by listening to everything that the ads on the Food Network tell me.
It’s okay, though, because I have registered for eight weight-loss programs and purchased twelve fitness products, each of which I learned about on a half-hour infomercial fronted by Jessica Simpson. I can’t afford any of these things, so I’ve put them on credit cards. Several lovely TV spokespeople have suggested cool ways to consolidate my debt.
I now vote Republican, because I realize it is sinful not to. I send an embossed Christmas card to the Bushes (Jr and Sr) every year. I realize that we had to invade
I listen to country-western music. I think Hannah Montana is a funny show. I watch local news and I’m not bothered by headlines like “Robbed by Thieves.”
No, I have to stop there. This was an actual headline on my local news the other night, and it does bother me. I’m forced to wonder what it said before the editors got hold of it:
“’Robbed by Robbers’? What the hell kind of headline is that? Take it back and do it again. Preferably without inhaling varnish beforehand.”
So the copywriters spend an hour at Starbucks and come back with--
“’Robbed by Thieves.’ By thieves. Yes, dammit, yes. You see that? I like it--cuts right to the heart of the story. No fluff or crap. Run it.”
My main problem with the headline, frankly, is that it isn’t news. “Robbed by Thieves.” Well, yes, that is what thieves do. They rob. Thieves who never rob are just law-abiding citizens in ski hats. So how can it be news to say thieves robbed?
No--news would be something like, “Embalmed by Thieves,” or “Smelted by Thieves.” These are activities rarely associated with those who burgle. On the other hand, “Robbed by Buddhist Pilates Instructors” or “Robbed by Ferrets” would make excellent news stories as well.
But I digress.
So let’s see: I bought a house, which was a major undertaking, requiring me to provide our mortgage lenders with a scavenger hunt list full of things, except possibly a major and an undertaker.
I make no claims to be any kind of financial guru, but I now feel qualified to offer the following advice to anyone looking to relocate to the
In spite of all this, we managed to buy a house. Which we love, by the way, irrespective of my mildly sarcastic tone (okay, maybe less of a tone and more of a sarcastic orchestration). My favorite part of the whole experience was when we finished signing all the paperwork. After the fiscal colonic we had undergone, we stood up with our papers and our lawyer said, “You can keep the pen, you know, as a memento. Because it’s such a big day.” She was, in reality, a very lovely woman who was incredibly helpful. But there was a part of me that wanted to say, “Um, actually, I think the house will probably remind us of buying the house a bit better. Plus, I’m less likely to lose the house by putting it in my shirt pocket and then having it fall out when I lean over to tie my shoes. Plus, it’s kind of a cheap pen.”
more to come...
Conventional Zen teaches that any deed which stems from an intention of desire, hate, or delusion will create a response in the Universe. Put simply, the Universe acts on us as an effect of the way we ourselves behave.
The Zen Rude-ist understands this, but figures, 'If the Universe can dish it out, the Universe can take it.'
from the fifth kondo of the nameless master
Chin's desire for Awakening stood the test of Time. Many months had passed. He had learned much. Again, he asked his master, “Please show me how to achieve Inner Peace as you have achieved it, Master.”
The master responded in a riddle. “Let me clue you in to something, Melvin. Ever since you showed up, I haven't had twelve seconds of ‘Inner Peace.” If you'd go away and never talk to me again, maybe then I could teach you something about it!”
Chin paused in his bewilderment. His thoughts chased the paradox around and around, as a dog with its tail. While he was so occupied, the Master gave him a dead arm.
HEADLINESS - the unofficial in-house newsletter of the head office
HEADLINESS
a newsletter for select staff of the Head Office
1 March 2008
__________________________________________________________________
"WOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!! YEAH, MAN!! BEER IS, LIKE, GOD!!!"
--Benjamin Franklin
quotation
Thanks to Plain Amanda in Accounting for the above inspiring quote. We may have punched it up a bit.
new notices
message from the shadow head
Thank you. At our last full staff meeting, or as I like to call it, The Beginning of the End, our Fearless Leader mentioned two things that I hope we all remember. First, the New Restructuring Plan is currently being road-tested in our division, and the effectiveness and value of the plan will be evaluated at the end of the fiscal year. Second, our Fearless Leader has NO DOUBT that at that time of evaluation we as an office will resoundingly and enthusiastically endorse our New Restructuring Plan as The Best and Only Restructuring Plan for Us.
With this in mind, I have been asked to remind you that March is already upon us. By now you should all be quivering with the ecstasy produced by life within the New Restructuring Plan. If you are not, you'd damn well better start quivering now, or you're in it deep, okay? You have all been assigned to cross-divisional committees which will meet once a week from now until the Time of Evaluation; the entirety of these meetings will be given over to what we are sure will be nothing short of hyperbolic laud for the New Restructuring Plan. Weird Gavin in Tech Support is designing a new database in which all staff will be required to enter daily compliments for the New Restructuring Plan. Some suggestions for entries:
"If you only use one restructuring plan this year, make it The New Restructuring Plan!"
"Because of the New Restructuring Plan, I can enjoy dairy again!"
"The New Restructuring Plan is the feel-good plan of the year!"
"I didn't think it was possible for someone my age to meet someone new. Boy was I wrong. Thanks, New Restructuring Plan!"
"The New Restructuring Plan has helped me to finally consolidate my debt!"
"Nothing ever conceived by Man can compare to the awesome glory and majesty that is the New Restructuring Plan - not democracy, not fire, not calculus. All Man's achievements from here to the dusk of time will be crushing disappointments. We have reached the apex of our existence."
Or words to that effect. Please bear in mind that your raises for next year will be offered in direct proportion to your sincerity. I look forward to reading and hearing your critiques of this important new development in the life of our business.
Yours,
The Shadow Head
cool person of the week
This week's Ultra-Cool Person is Hot Debbie in Human Resources. She is that from which all other cool derives. She could give seminars on cool. She has cornered the market on coolosity and coolaciousness, which we realize were not technically words when we started this sentence, but due to the Universe's awareness of the need for newer and better words to more effectively encapsulate the coolarianism of Hot Debbie, all of the formerly made-up words we've written have now popped into existence in the Oxford English Dictionary. So that's a big up to the Universe for finally getting around to recognizing what the rest of us have known forever.
More cool people later.
seriously--true story
So we're getting ready to leave the house the other day, and we start talking to our daughters about things. The girls could not be less interested, as they're engrossed in some complicated fantasy about a grand ball for princesses and fairy godmothers getting their dresses ready and the dances they'll have to do and what-not. So we're doling out instructions like, "Listen to your mother," and "Try to pick up all the toys you're leaving all over the place," and "Never agree to the first bid you're given--a punter's always willing to bargain at least a little," and so on, and the girls are working out dance moves or something. So we say to them, "You know, you could at least PRETEND to be listening to us."
And our older daughter gets all indignant and comes back with, "But we were pretending to listen."
this has nothing to do with anything
Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking, and when she passes, each one she passes goes, "Ah." When she walks, she’s like a samba that swings so cool and sways so gentle that when she passes, each one she passes goes, "Ooh." Oh, but we watch her so sadly. How can we tell her we love her? Yes we would give our heart gladly, but each day, when she walks to the sea, she looks straight ahead, not at us.
Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goes walking, and when she passes, we smile - but she doesn’t see.
question for ya
How come you can get salmonella from eating bad chicken, but you can't get chickenella from eating bad salmon?
very imaginary person consulting visit
On Tuesday, 19 March, from 8.00 - 11.00 am, the Head Office will be visited by General Robert Tuttle (Ret’d.), now senior consultant at Load of Crap Consulting, in order for him to offer tips on the implementation of the New Restructuring Plan. Some of you may remember Tuttle as the imaginary soldier that Trapper and Hawkeye made up in order to play with Frank and Margaret's heads in that episode of M*A*S*H in the first or second season. Since then, Tuttle has had roles as Vera, Norm's imaginary wife on Cheers, and as
It is highly recommended that you find an opportunity to actually meet General Tuttle, as for some mysterious reason doing so makes it easier to forget him later on.
upcoming staff appreciation party
Several staff members have expressed concern at the previous bulletin’s announcement of our Staff Appreciation Party next Friday at 2:00 and have suggested that the bold face sentence at the end, "Employees may leave at 4.00 pm," cast a slightly draconian shadow over the event. Some say that this has given the party an "obligatory" feel which could make the event feel less "light" somehow, less "fun." The boldface remark seems to have had a certain "or else" tone of which we were unaware.
We would like to assure everyone that though you absolutely and without exception must attend the party in its entirety from the first cheesing of the crackers at 2:00 to the final meaningless, empty wish for everyone to have an enjoyable weekend, the party is not--we repeat NOT--obligatory. There has been a grave misunderstanding. Having said this, while none of you are obliged to attend the party, all of you are obliged to want to attend the party. Various senior administrators will be circulating throughout the event. Any body language, sarcasm, off-hand remark or latent thought detected behind one's eyes will be grounds for immediate professional humiliation.
One final point. It has been observed that this is meant to be a "thank you" event, and that if we powers-that-be really wanted to say thank you, we could have let all of you just go home at 2:00. Well, geniuses, if you all go home at 2:00, how exactly are we going to be able to say thank you to you all? So thank you, you ungrateful motherthankers.
professional development
Effective immediately, professional development will be referred to as "Professional Regression," in order to more directly enable us to nurture the tendencies we have caused to gurgle up from the Office's very esophagus. All professional development funds for staff will be transferred over to corresponding Professional Regression funds; staffers wishing to secure money in order to do something unprofessional will find the appropriate forms in the Conferences folder on the network.
repeat notices
numerology division
just how healthy are you?
Can you answer the following questions?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, help is at hand. The Numerology Division offers FREE Death Checks to all staff members. We'll take all the numbers the medical staff gave you in your WellPerson Check and plug them into our astrological charts to tell you to within twenty years, exactly when and how you're going to die. You'd be surprised how well this will enable you to plan for the future. If you're in need of a second opinion, one of our phrenologists would be happy to read the bumps on your head.
renewal of staff contracts
Because many other international headhunters begin recruiting in the summer or early fall, there is a significant advantage for We Administrators to know how many of staffers will be killed by paid assassins this year. If there is a staff member on whom you would like to take out a contract, please let us know as soon as possible in order that we might dispatch one of our boys to whack him or her.
still bored of directors?
Right back atcha, baby.
fearless leader’s monthly staff meeting address
Tuesday, 30 March 2008
In a departure from tradition, our Fearless Leader this year will be performing his one-man version of two sell-out Broadway shows, "The Reduced Mamma Mia." Thrill to his dulcet renderings of "Money," "Gimme," and "Just Knowing Me, Not You."
Plans for next year's "The Reduced Cirque du Soleil" are already underway.
security reminder
We understand that many of you are disgruntled with the necessity of having to show your IDs every time you come or go from the building. Please understand that this is critical to company security. We have been informed by unreliable know-nothings at the Department of Homeland Security that we are at Tom Clancy Alert Status, which means there is a clear and present danger to us. We have it on good authority that Sean Bean is planning something against us, something spectacular involving CGI programming, even as we type. So guards will continue to search bags of those people who do not have proper ID. If your moaning continues, the friskings begin. If the crap from you people continues even still, we implement the body cavity searches. So watch it.
instructions from the shadow head
Effective immediately, all personnel will be aware that lies are the new truth. Additionally, we have recently outsourced to various consultancies all our boat-rocking, muck-raking, water-muddying, devil's advocating, rabble-rousing, nay-saying, down-putting and head-shaking. You shouldn't need to worry about this stuff. Everything's great.
Have a nice day.
Humor resources - directory of Humor related websites.
