zen rude-ism: rude questions for meditation

rude questions for meditation

Meditation is a critical element of Zen Rude-ism. It is just as Pying-Pyong asked his pupils, "Why don't you go someplace perhaps no less than a million miles away and sit in a position that you find uncomfortable for you to be in so you'll stop with the bothering of people all the time and you'll maybe be staying put for a change and doing not a thing for let's say five to seven years or longer it should be too soon?"

Just as Chin, Shin, and the other pupils of the Rude-ist Masters had their wisdom upon which to meditate, so we provide you here with a variety of spiritual conundrums to occupy your thoughts and bring you closer to your own Rude Awakening.

We have found that obsessing about one question each day for a week has made us significantly Ruder. We hope you will find the same. About yourself, that is, not us. We mean, we hope you will find yourself Ruder. Not Ruder than we are, but Ruder than you were before. We don't mind if you're Ruder than we are--it's not like a competition or anything, but that's not what we hope for. Not because we're comparing, but...whatever.

week one
What is the deal with that guy?


week two
Do I look like I give a rat's ass?


week three
What's a guy gotta do to get a little service around here?


week four
Who asked you, anyway?


week five
I've lost my ticket - can I still collect my shoes?




week six
Geez, make it a little hotter in here, why don't you?
(additional thought for deeper meditation: I'd like to melt my ass off)


week seven
You wanna hear the sound of one man snapping?


week eight
So the soup today...any good?


week nine
How am I? Can I just tell you about this lower back pain? Have you seen how I'm sitting here? Do I look comfortable to you?


week ten
What, do you work for Rubbermaid or something?

zen rude-ism: the rude-ist view of karma

the rude-ist view of karma

Conventional Zen teaches that any deed which stems from an intention of desire, hate, or delusion will create a response in the Universe. Put simply, the Universe acts on us as an effect of the way we ourselves behave.

The Zen Rude-ist understands this, but figures, 'If the Universe can dish it out, the Universe can take it.'

from the fifth kondo of the nameless master

Chin's desire for Awakening stood the test of Time. Many months had passed. He had learned much. Again, he asked his master, “Please show me how to achieve Inner Peace as you have achieved it, Master.”

The master responded in a riddle. “Let me clue you in to something, Melvin. Ever since you showed up, I haven't had twelve seconds of ‘Inner Peace.” If you'd go away and never talk to me again, maybe then I could teach you something about it!”

Chin paused in his bewilderment. His thoughts chased the paradox around and around, as a dog with its tail. While he was so occupied, the Master gave him a dead arm.

zen rude-ism: the principle of wanting to stay asleep

from Chin's Ninth Moan

The Awakened One has achieved his status by embracing the One Reality that there is no Awakening, just a world full of bastards, jerks, and wise-asses.
--Chin the Kibbitzer, in response to the Second Sutra of Pying-Pyong's Dog

the second sutra of Pying-Pyong's dog

At breakfast, Pyong said, "It's like this: trying to achieve Awakening you might as well try to make the perfect piece of toast. You know how you never get it just the way you want it? A lot of it is mood--sometimes you want it crispy, sometimes you want maybe a kind of warm bread, and sometimes other things you are thinking. But you make the toast and it crunches and you get the stiff crusty parts lodged in your gums, which is a pain you never want I can tell you, or maybe it's too soft so when you dunk it in your tea--which is another thing you can never get right so don't get me started--it flops over like damp socks. And then there's the piece that maybe if you're lucky has what you want in the middle except the whole piece didn't toast evenly which is something that drives me so crazy I could go on all day.

"So the Awakened One is some guy who makes perfect toast one day. And he wakes up and he sits there and says, 'Okay so my whole life I'm spending making toast and now it's perfect. What the hell is wrong with me? Like I have to invent headaches for myself with the life I got? And somehow perfect toast is the achievement that my life will now get my head screwed on straight. Boy do I need a vacation.'

"But I could put it another way: Awakening is crap, and you do yourself a favor to figure that out early. Even my dog knows that."

And Pyong fed his toast to his dog.

the third moan of Pying-Pyong's dog

Fu-Lin asked Pying-Pyong, "Master, is your dog Awakened?"

Pying-Pyong replied, "What are you bothering me with this now I got a million things to do? Ask the dog, you need to know so bad. Only give him some jerky first which he enjoys when you do that."

Fu-Lin fed Pying-Pyong's dog. The dog snapped at him and bit through his finger, drawing blood. "He bit me!" Fu-Lin cried.

"So you got your answer," Pying-Pyong said. "Now get out of here. You give me a headache like I don't have words for. And get some more jerky."

zen rude-ism: the principle of not-doing-by-having-someone-else-do

from Lai-tze's fourth sutra




He who seeks Zen must learn to do by not doing. HOWEVER...if he can learn to do by having someone else do for him, he can seek Zen while enjoying a nice salad and having his dry cleaning picked up.

--Rude-ist Master Lai-Tze

the third kondo of Lai-Tze

After laboring for weeks, Seiko wandered one morning into the hut of his master, Lai-Tze. He found his master playing a ball-and-cup game while reclining in a bamboo chair.

“Master,” Seiko said, breathless and weak, “I require your wisdom.”

“You got it, kid,” said Lai-Tze. “Shoot.”

“You have told me I would find Zen in the mending of your roof. I did not. You said I would find Zen in the tending of your garden. I have not. You taught that I would find Zen in the cleaning of your dishes. I have not. Nor have I found Zen in the washing of your clothes, the sweeping of your floor, or in the drawing of your bath each evening. Each day I end my meditations in exhaustion, feeling no closer to Awakening.” Seiko sat on the floor heavily.

“Hey, look, you can't rush these things,” the master advised. “I mean, Zen could be anywhere! In your ear, under a bath mat, the bottom of a lake. Who knows? You can't force it. You've got to be more like me. For instance, when I want clean laundry, you don't see me racing out to get it myself, do you? I just wait, and it comes to me.”

“But that is because I bring it to you,” Seiko said.

“Very clever. And you say you're no closer to Awakening.” The master winked. “Now, I'm pretty sure I saw some Zen in the kitchen. So, if you go make my lunch, you might stumble across it.”

Seiko felt wisdom creep over him. “But, Master, would not the wise course be to wait and let Awakening come to me here?”

“No. That totally won't work. You need to go make lunch. Seriously.”

“But—“

“Trust me on this. I'll have a sandwich.” The master returned to his ball-and-cup game.

Seiko prepared tuna melts.

zen rude-ism: the list of jerks

Pying Pyong's Sutra of the Jerks (Sutra 18)

Pying-Pyong told his dog,

“I tell you, kid, there are basically ten kinds of jerk in the world that I should never want you to meet as meeting them is something that shouldn't happen to a dog.

“First there are those jerks like you've never even met a jerk like this before in your life.

“Then there are those jerks who are so busy thinking about how swell they are they don't see what jerks they're being.

“There are anal-retentive jerks what correct your grammar and make you use coasters and like that.

“There are jerks who only want to see you so they can beg something off you like a jerk.

“And the jerks you just hate just by looking at them.

“And the good-looking jerks. Them I don't like so much either.

“Let's not leave out the holier-than-thou jerks.

“Or conceited jerks with heads the size of I don't even know what and what do they have such a swelled head about anyway?

“And jerks who have energy to burn and they always burn it on being jerks.

“And stupid jerks.

“But I'll tell you kid, the worst of all are the good-looking stupid jerks who tell you ‘It's “between you and me ,' not “between you and I”' and then mooch five bucks from you.”

zen rude-ism: some basic principles and terminology

The Four Great Truths

1. Life is suffering.
2. Suffering comes from other people.
3. There is no path out of the suffering.
4. Often, the best way to end a meal is with a nice piece of melon.

The Three Great Obstacles to the Elevation of Being (Moan 4)

1. You can never find really good, ripe fruit in season
2. Stupid questions
3. Brainless jerks

The Wise One stresses that these obstacles will not necessarily occur in this order.

The Master Reveals the Three Great Obstacles to His Pupils (Kondo 15)

The Master taught that what one does in one's previous existence has a great effect on one's current existence.

“What is it with you two?” he asked. “What, did I throw babies into piranha-infested waters in a past life or something? I must have been some kind of psychotic dog-kicker to deserve the two of you.”

“But Master,” said one pupil. “Surely any suffering we cause you will only elevate you to a higher plane of existence.”

“Look, Yoga Boy. Nobody gets ahead in this life or any other. And you want to know why? Three reasons: first, you almost never find decent fruit in season no matter what you do; and two, brainless jerks like you guys.”

“But Master,” said the second pupil. “What is the third obstacle to the Elevation of Being? Didn't you tell us there were three things that get in the way?”

“Stupid questions,” said the Master.

“They were the only ones I could think of,” said the second pupil quietly. The Master slapped his own forehead in disbelief. The first pupil leaned over to whisper in the ear of the second. “Oh.” said the second pupil.

The Example of the Obstacles (Kondo 19)

The Master sat enjoying the afternoon sun with a bowl of sliced apples. His pupil came to him in a state of cloudy bewilderment.

“Master,” he said, “Something troubles me.”

The Master rolled his eyes and said, “Now there's a news bulletin.”

“If Enlightenment means understanding that everyone in the world is a complete bastard, then why should brainless jerks keep us from Elevating our Being? Wouldn't meeting them and understanding their place Enlighten and Elevate us?”

The Master picked up a piece of an apple. “You're a number three with a number two, you know that?” He bit into the apple, made a face and tossed it to the ground. “Fabulous,” he said, “a complete set.”

The Way of the Wise-Ass

Most Rude-ist Masters would acknowledge that there is great value to be found in following the Way of the Wise-Ass. At the same time, all Masters would also caution against the Pitfalls awaiting those who choose this Path to the Rude Awakening. For, while the tools of the Wise-Ass can be of great benefit to the Rude-ist student, the Allure of the Wise-Ass can often be so great as to force one from the Rude Path. The Way of the Wise-Ass is only the Way, not the Destination.

Also, nobody likes a Wise-Ass.

The Pitfall of Bad Mood-ism

Arguably the most dangerous of all the Pitfalls, Bad Mood-ism is the belief that one has been Rudely Awakened when in fact one is just in a Bad Mood.

This occurs when the Wise-Ass has become distracted by the cleverness of his own Wise-Assery. In taking himself too seriously, he believes that his Bad Mood, taken on from those around him, has become his Rude Awakening.

It is this Pitfall that the True Master witnesses when he says, "Get over yourself, Wise-Ass."

Stepping Stones on the Path to the Rude Awakening

The unawakened man thinks, “They're all bastards.”

The student on the Path asks, “Is it me, or are they all bastards?”

The Awakened man understands, “No, it's them. They're all bastards.”

(from Sutra 5)

Zen Rude-ism: The Principle of Wanting to Stay Asleep (Chin's Ninth Moan)

The Awakened One has achieved his status by embracing the One Reality that there is no Awakening, just a world full of bastards, jerks, and wise-asses.

--attributed to Chin the Kibbitzer, in response to the Second Sutra of Pying-Pyong's Dog

zen rude-ism: a short history

The development of Zen Rude-ism occurred at exactly the same time as three extraordinary and excessively hugely significant historical moments:

• At approximately the same time that Zen Rude-ism began, the Nameless Master found himself beset with various pupils seeking the wisdom he had gained through his Rude Awakening.
  
• Their arrival only cemented what the Master knew intimately. It also ignited the spark of understanding that he would call the Stupidity of the Bastards.
• This led the Master to postulate the Rule of the Rude-ist Pupil.

Shortly after the death of the Nameless Master, Pying-Pyong became the most prolific of all Rude-ist Masters, though all of his sutras were apparently spoken to his dog.

To this day, no one knows who the hell wrote down all the stuff he said.

Shortly after the death of Pying-Pyong, Lai-Tze formed a new school of Zen Rude-ism based on the Principle of Not-Doing-By-Having-Someone-Else-Do.

This caused a rift to form in Rude-ist schools and places of worship. Many Masters saw Lai-Tze as perverting the course of the Nameless Master's teachings. By turning his encounters with bastards, jerks and wise-asses to his advantage, he obviated the suffering caused by them; ergo, he was unable to embrace the Four Truths. At best, he made a mountain out of the molehill of one Rude-ist principle. At the very worst, this made him the most egregious kind of Wise-ass.

Despite years of continued philosophical and spiritual attacks, none of Lai-Tze's accusers ever successfully countered the Rude-ist Master's defense against their position:

"Whatever. Jealous much?"

Coming in an eventual post (Don't rush me! Sheesh!) - Zen Rude-ism Basic Principles and Terminology

what is rude-ism?

Zen Rude-ism, the belief system of the Awakened, is rapidly becoming one of the world's 2,500 most popular Internet religions.

Rude-ism was founded by the Nameless Master on or about the time he founded it. He expounded the Four Great Truths in response to the constant moaning and complaining people of his time did about suffering in the world. He also had one or two things to say about the proliferation of fruit garnishes in restaurant desserts.


After the absolute bare minimum contemplation of the above points, the Nameless Master concluded that human life is without worthwhile fruit (literally—he meant real fruit, though his remarks have been often figuratively misinterpreted by kibbitzers over the years) and is—though it galled the hell out of him to agree with all those whiny crybabies—nothing more than a series of sufferings.



Once an individual sees these two hallmarks of existence, the Master teaches that there's a chance he might maybe be more than a bastard after all: he begins the Path to the Rude Awakening.

The suffering characteristic of existence consists almost entirely of encounters with bastards, jerks, and wise-asses. Only by realizing there is no sense in trying to get along with or get away from the bastards et al can an individual move further along the Path.


The Path to the Rude Awakening is defined by three Stepping Stones, which must be reached by embracing the Four Truths, acknowledging the Three Great Obstacles, acquiring moronic pupils to handle your chores (less fabulous than it sounds), and napping.



The basic idea underpinning all Rude-ist thought is summed up in the Principle of Wanting to Stay Asleep.




Rude-ist practitioners over the years have consisted of

• the Masters (including the Nameless One, Shueh-Yuan, Pying-Pyong, Lai-Tze, and others)
• their lay pupils (notably Shin and Chin)
• kibbitzers (such as Chin, whom many believe to be the alter-ego of Chin the pupil, thus leading many Rude-ist historians to the so-called "Double-Chin" thesis)
• various wise-asses

Next post - A Short History of Rude-ism